Family Matters

My family; meaning my kids, my fiance, and myself always go to visit the parent in-laws at Easter. This is not always a trip I've enjoyed in the past but times have changed and things are good. We had just gotten a new vehicle and I was actually looking forward to this one. The kids always enjoy going there and with a new house to explore for eggs and chocolate bunnies, all was good.

We made it there in good time and on alot less gas than usual. A normal trip was easily $200-240.00. Crazy. The kids are pretty good to travel. You hear alot of horror stories from parents and how they can't stand to drive for long periods with their kids. That's not the case with us. We didn't always have a vehicle so I guess they look forward to the roadtrips. We might see the grandparents 3 or 4 times a year at most too so it's a good visit typically.

This year we got there early on Good Friday and Saturday I went window shopping with my daughter, future mother-in-law, and sister-in-law ( I always think of the movie "Monster-in-Law" lol). It felt like it was that bad in the beginning but things have worked out. We went looking for a wedding dress. It was such a good time. I got to try some gowns on and get a general feel for what I like. We went out for supper. It was a really fun afternoon and if I could stop here and freeze time I would. Caos arose and has yet to settle.

In a nutshell, my father literally broke his neck and was considered quadripelegic. Nobody new if he took a stroke/heartattack, whatever, so of course every thought was going through all of our heads. He had been having a few too many and couldn't tell anyone what happened so it was a few days before we had somewhat of a picture. Regardless, he was put in for major surgery. He's got at least 10 screws holding his neck together at this point and is learning to use his limbs all over again. He's since been in rehab for almost 6 weeks. Now, with all this time factored in for a total of 8 weeks, my brothers have seen him maybe 3 times, 1 out of 4 of my aunts has seen him twice, and 1 sent a care package for him because she is long distance. Doesn't sound like many care does it? That was my thought.

Since then my brother and I have had words (I did not initiate) and all but 1 aunt is ticked off at me because I ever so politely stated that visiting hours were not until 3:30 in the morning. HELLO!!!! Anyone with a half a brain wouldn't stay that long. There are waiting rooms. He didn't even have a room to himself and the nurses didn't think much of it either. They had to tell them to leave.

With alot of unknown history to you the reader, I haven't seen my father in approximately 3 years. I don't know why. He always got word when I was coming to visit he just never showed. I honestly don't know where he lives, I got lost the last time I tried to find him. Based on my brothers' comments I dont' want to be there anyway for the state it's in. I'm told it stays standing for the beer bottles. He doesn't have running water, his power bill is like $50 when everyone else has like $150. That tells me he's using the bare necessities. That being said........ I was quite upset about this and why they weren't coming to visit. Apparently, he 's been "not bothering" with anyone and treating everyone with a "to hell with you" attitude. I don't understand it. When I lived there it wasn't like that. He was having hygiene issues and still living in the same spot but he didn't shut everyone out. I'm having a difficult time trying to make sense out of why someone would not want to be a part of their kids lives as well as their grandchildren. He's made a hermit out of himself. Just him, his dog, and the booze and cigarettes. I was hoping he would come out of it with all the attention and having to maintain his personal hygiene but I was wrong. He's already started smoking again and he's made it quite clear that he does not intend to stop drinking and he is going back to what he calls a home.

Twice he's blown up at me at the mere mentioning of not drinking so much and of finding a more suitable area to live in. I let the first time slide given the circumstances but the last time I hadn't even gotten to those issues. I was discussing his therapy and he talked to me like I was 10 years old in front of my fiance and one of my kids. That pretty much told me that the respect does not flow both ways. I've done nothing but be there for him in every way I can. I've spent every two days going to visit him. My fiance and my kids more or less took the back burner until he went into rehab. (I hadn't planned it that way but that's what happened) I do his laundry for him, I've baked and cooked meals for him (he didn't even eat them), encouraged him all of the time that things would continue to improve. I take him for walks outside. I've taken him to my house for visiting, fresh air, show him the area, and he met my fiance's parents, had a good BBQ, and tomorrow my fiance is taking him to a car show with my son. What else can one person do within limits? Then ever so frankly, in a condescending tone he didn't like what I was saying and shuts me up in the presence of my fiance and my toddler by raising his voice and saying in his stern manner "enough". I was more taken back by the tone with instant replay back to my childhood then at anything. My daughter didn't even want to give him a hug before we left which was like 5 minutes later. I couldn't wait to get out of there my blood was boiling and it's not exactly the right time and place for family arguements.

I don't know if I've described my anger and the reasons why clearly but I do know my BP was up. It makes me so angry to think I had a migraine for 3 days worrying about where he was going to go when he got out and what he was going to do for help when no one seemed to want to do it. Not from where I was sitting anyway and then he treats me like that. Now I'm pissed off. Tomorrow I am telling him that that tone will not be used towards me in any mannor while I have my kids around me and if he doesn't like what I have to say that's too bad. He's a grown man and he can suck it up like everyone else.

I love my father. I don't remember many good things and I'm very upset at him but he is my dad and I probably won't see him much after this is all over. My father is not going to like me much after I say what I have to say, but in spite of that, I do have pride and I will not let my kids think that it is ok for anyone to talk to them like that or to treat them disrespectfully, family or not. We don't get to pick and choose our family. We get what we're dealt and we deal. I'm not sure if my coping technique is the one required but it's all I know. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I defended him, helped to look after him, and I got let down. My efforts were not in vain but they were not appreciated either. My time, I will not say was wasted, but the effort was needed and now I'm done and I won't put my fiance and kids second any longer.

I try so hard not be like my parents. My kids do know a different life and will continue to know a different life then I had growing up. They will always know that I am there for them
regardless of the situation. There will never be this kind of hurt and disappointment especially as a result of alcohol.

Family does matter but so does your emotional and physical well being.



Bella